Archive for August, 2017

Eclipse Magic


August 28th, 2017

watching the eclipse from the shop
Hello out there! It’s been a while since I posted. It’s funny. I just went back and looked at my last blog post. Talking about how I didn’t need to blog anymore because I had arrived at a point of wellness, and that was that. Well, what can I say? Circumstances have revealed a big blind spot to me. I think this is happening for a lot of people with the eclipse. It’s a little harsh. Humbling. I am up for the lesson. Though admittedly it feels a little raw right now.

I think I got a little cocky. I got to a point of wellness where I was pretty functional. And I guess I thought I had it all figured out. But I’m realizing that this is a lifelong journey. And I’ve gone off the rails a little. I need to re-engage with my wellness community. I need to change my perspective.

My business partner, Julie, sent me home this weekend. She told me not to come back until I stopped for a second. Just stopped. I’ve kind of triggered a monumental PTSD meltdown. Where I’ve been sort of dissociating from my body. That’s inspired some harsh situations. It’s hard to get this feedback. But necessary. Part of the problem I have is that my adaptation to my injuries has lent itself to a lack of awareness. Where I can put myself in extreme situations. And not realize it. How to explain?


Well, if you have followed my story at all, you might know that I was in a significant crash a while back. Our local news station KARE11 did a PIECE on us recently. That kind of gives the backstory. But basically, I got hit by a car. It was a spiritual experience for me. I went out of my body. It was kind of amazing. I actually didn’t feel any pain. I was in a state of bliss. The insurance people were baffled that I was so giddy and happy after getting hit by a car. But it was beautiful. It was like I left my body and inhabited a different realm of consciousness. There are a lot of reasons that a person would be attracted to this realm. People talk about a great white light. And feeling at peace. For me, it’s like an awareness that I didn’t have before. And seeing myself in the third person. It’s sounds scary to people, but I truly believe that being in that space was what created all this. It’s the realm where all creation happens. Where the cheese came from. Where miracles come from. It’s a magical beautiful thing to be tapped into. Though I’m starting to realize that context is also important. It can be disturbing for people. But I think keeping it to myself and not having an awareness about it is ultimately more disturbing than reaching out.

I think as time went on and I was able to slowly process some of the pain I was carrying around, I started to inhabit my body more. On a physical level. But to be honest, I don’t know if I ever fully went back to it. I feel like my connection to that realm has gotten pretty fluid. Where I’m not necessarily conscious that it’s happening when I switch. It’s like my body’s adaptation to pain. So anytime something painful happens, I just go there. Without even realizing. I feel nothing. I don’t feel pain. Which is really a great thing in some ways. The drawback is that I don’t have a normal feedback loop. In normal time. When I’m going out of my element. I can’t tell. I don’t have a normal awareness about my boundaries or limitations or what I need. I just go into that state, and I keep going. Way way past my expiration. People have said I’m in the rabbit hole. Things get backed up. I’m not really aware of it until things get so out of whack that people confront me about it. It’s kind of a subtle thing when it happens. So typically, things get really out of whack before people start to confront me. But other people experience it as me kind of disappearing into my own world. In some kind of stream of consciousness. With me not there. Sending long winded postcards from the edge. And me pushing beyond human limits. But just not engaging with the world. To me, it feels very magical. I experience miracles, insights, psychic revelations, and also seem as my roommate Dennis says to be ‘from California’. (I actually AM from California). For other people, it’s baffling and kind of disturbing to watch. It’s a little unusual. So people frame it in their own experience. The intention behind it can get really misinterpreted. Really how people interpret it tells me a lot more about the person doing the interpretation than it does about me. But I’m feeling the need to explain myself right now. I’m feeling very misunderstood.


I’m put off at the moment by the interpretations. The interpretations and the judgement are painful. But I recognize that the message is valid. Even though some have misunderstood me, many others have totally reached out. People who understand me. People like my friend, KRISTEN (her porch was one of our first venues). The most joyful person I know and a survivor of brain surgery. She probably understands best. My partner, Julie, has been through a few rounds of this with me now. And I think we are both developing a better awareness and understanding. We have a good enough relationship that she can be confrontational with me in a productive way. I so appreciate the help. A lot of the issue for me is that this is new to me. I don’t really fully understand it myself. So I don’t effectively communicate. The other issue is that I have a lot of issues beyond this. So it’s difficult to know what causes what until things happen a few times. But I get that it’s a difficult thing to understand. And some people have more capacity than others. For me, the misinterpretations and judgement are really harsh.


I know that I have pushed myself way beyond normal human limits. And I know that the time for a change has come. I have fought with every ounce of me to bring this cheese into the world through crazy health crises, financial ruin, heartbreaks, social deprivation, competing against companies that outfund us by millions, sleep deprivation, seizures, hospitalizations, and all the drama that goes with running a business. It has been an extreme labor of love. I have done this because there have been so many coincidences that have shown me that this was my destiny. I was literally born to make this happen. I recently went back to the neighborhood I lived in as a baby. The first store in LA to pick us up is there. I went there to demo the cheese and discovered that vegan cheese was invented there. In the neighborhood. At the time I was born. And the store is literally called FOLLOW YOUR HEART!


So many unexpected things have and are continually unfolding. I know that I have the power to manifest a change that will support me better. And incidentally, a change around this is coming online now. So I know this is all happening for a reason. I’m not sure yet what this change is going to look like. In fact, I am headed back to LA this week to work on manifesting it. I’m really excited and hopeful about the possibilities being presented. But for today, I would like to take the baby step of re-engaging with my wellness community. I don’t want to be an island anymore. I want to be around people who can understand and not judge. I want to be accepted.


At the same time that all of this is happening, big changes are happening with the cheese. The cheese has literally outgrown me. I have stewarded it with all my heart and soul to this point, but it’s bigger than me now. We are weeks away from completely blowing through the capacity of our little shop. It’s incredible. I have a new business partner who is coming online to help me with this transition. And I kinda described this moment to him as feeling like I imagine it would feel to send your kid off to college. The cheese is all grown up now.


This is all a lot for me to process, and I am honestly struggling with it all. It’s very emotional in so many ways. So many wonderful people have come into my life and helped me along this journey. I am so so grateful for their love and support. I really want to take this moment to thank them. All the people out there who have connected with and supported the cheese. Thank you! The most incredible tribe of passionate and dedicated misfits who have helped me bring the cheese to fruition week after week. I love you all. You are all amazing geniuses in your own rights. It has been such a privilege and honor to work with all of you. I have learned so much. And most of all to Jue and Julie who helped me from the beginning. Who believed in me and the cheese when I was a crippled girl with a walker. I love you so much! Thank you so much for blessing me with this opportunity. It has taken me places I never thought I could go. I still can’t believe any of this has happened.


It’s time to step into a new frontier. It’s time to step into the future. I can’t hold it back. It’s bigger than me now. It’s global. Let ‘er rip!

With so much love and gratitude…

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